My name is Katniss
Everdeen, I am 17 years old. I was a tribute, then a victor, then a murderer. I
hate the Capitol because they stole Peeta, I hate District thirteen because
they took Prim away. Prim, she is dead. She can't be dead, I SAVED her. I want
my sister.
It is like a game, repetitive but not that easy. It makes my head spin
but it helps me to keep what little sanity I have left, sometimes. At first I
was sad, angry, but now I am just numb. I can't take it anymore, the pain, the
grief, everything is too much. I know what everyone thinks, that I am crazy,
just like Annie. And I am. Reality and nightmares merge, everything is the
same, I can't really make the difference between when I am asleep and when I am
awake. Because it hurts all the time, and when it hurts less, some people only
I can see torture me, they take all I have left.
Doctor Aurelius said I should write my resolutions for my new life
since it is almost New Year's Eve, but I don't know if I am capable of writing
anymore. I will try.
1. I will get my sanity back.
My first logical thought since a long time. I want the voices, the
nightmares and the dead people to go away; I want them to leave me alone. Maybe
everything is a nightmare and I will wake up in my old house in the Seam, I
would not have done the Hunger Games, I would still have Prim. Yes, let's
pretend everything is a nightmare.
2. I will want to live.
Without her, I don't want to. I wish all the time I was killed in the
74th Hunger Games. If I had chosen to eat those berries she would be alive; she
would have a miserable life, but she would be here. Primrose was the one who
always saved me from self-destruction. I don't want to be alone anymore, I
can't do this, I want to kill myself only to see her one more time, to make the
voices and the nightmares to go away. I want to die. I want my sister back.
Please.
3. I will shower.
Pathetic isn't it? I don't even have the will to wash my own ass. I
don't care, I don't care about anything. I will never be clean again with all
the blood on my hands, so why should I smell clean when I know everything in me
is dirty? I want my mother to wash the blood away. I need Peeta to hold me. I
can't live without my little sister.
4. I will get out of my head.
The outside world is dreadful, but my own world is so much worst. My
self-punishment, being trapped in the world when everyone wants to see me dead.
You are a monster, they say, and I
believe them, because that's what I am. A monster, a murderer. I killed Prim, I
don't want her gone, I want to go to her.
5. I will stop feeling guilty.
I killed them all. Rue, sweet and gentle Rue, tries to kill me every
days. I killed Finnick, he will never know about his son. Those hurt people in
the hospital back in District 8, they were killed because I was here, I
murdered them. My mother left me all alone, she hates me, everyone does. I am
some sort of poison, everyone I loved was killed. I am the problem. I am the
poison. I killed them. I wish I died. I want her alive. I'm sorry little duck,
please come back.
6. I will stop hating everyone.
The Capitol tried to kill me. Gale invented the bombs that killed
Prim. District 13 killed Prim. My mother ran away. Peeta doesn't love me anymore,
he even wants me dead, like everyone
does. The dead don't feel anymore, but I do. The survivors want to die.
I hate them, I hate them all. For not killing me, for saving me, for condemning
me to live a life I don't deserve, I don't want. I want to go away and never
see them again. My sister understood me. I need my sister.
7. I will be more than a piece in their Games.
Katniss the Hunter, Katniss the "Girl on Fire", Katniss the Mockingjay, the tribute, the
Victor, the Star-Crossed lover. Thank you Peeta, for making me understand, at
that time, that I was more than those girls. You would be so ashamed of me
Peeta. My boy with the bread, you are gone since a long time, aren't you? I
wish I could have said goodbye to the boy who loved me, the one that didn't let
me starve to death. I am the shell of who I was, a poor excuse for a human
being. We both are, but even with the brainwashing the Capitol gave you, you
are still better than me.
8. I will accept Prim's death.
Never. She can't be dead. She was supposed to be well protected. I
volunteered as a tribute for her to live. They killed her. I killed her. She
was all I had. They took away the only beautiful thing in this world when they
killed her. She was murdered by District 13 when she was trying to save some
Capitol's children, ironic isn't it? She was on fire, reduced to burning flesh
and ashes. I should have saved her, I should have locked her somewhere safe. I
wish I would have burnt. I remember when I tried to teach her how to hunt, she
tried to heal our meal. She was so innocent, she IS. She will come back. I
don't want to live without Prim. I want to see her, to hold her. Please Prim, take me with you, don't leave me
alone in a world where you don't exist anymore.
.oo0oo.
It has been five years since she made
that list. She is alive. I am too. It was long to wake up from the nightmare
the Capitol put in my head. But I did it, for her. Sometimes she still sees things or persons I can't see, and I
remember some events that have never happened. But it is alright, because we
have each other. We still play at the game she created for me during the war,
“Real or Not Real”.
“ Prim is dead, she is never ever coming
back again. Real or not real?” She asks sometimes, when it is a bad day.
“Real.” I respond. “You don't want to
kill me, you love me. Real or not real?” It is hard for both of us, sometimes I
forget she is Katniss, the girl I have loved for my entire life.
“Real.”
